A Giant Oarfish (Regalecus glesne), aka King of the Herrings, encountered on the coast of Baja California, mysteriously beaches itself before dying. These sorts of encounters are how humans usually encounter these deep sea creatures.
(photos: Michael Kanzler)
find out more about Oarfish: http://rhamphotheca.tumblr.com/tagged/oarfish
As my time here draws to an end, I find my mind being both proactive and completely nonsensical. I don’t want to leave these people, don’t want to leave the boy, don’t want to leave paradise in any way shape or form. My will to move forward is nonexistent. Why would I want to move at all when I am completely happy right here? Apparently life isn’t that easy. But, about the proactive mind… I look around me, I listen, and I judge. I judge relentlessly. I try and try to find something less than perfect, unsatisfactory, so I am able to remind myself that I am leaving that behind. I get those uneasy feelings of distrust and remind myself that soon those feelings will be no longer. Soon I will have nobody that I need to trust, nobody that I care enough about for it to matter. Back to my normal state of numbness.. back to reality. I know he will be just fine, the boy. He always is. Me on the other hand, I am really worried about the upcoming change of lifestyle. I will grasp it and make the best, but it isn’t going to be what I want. He will have other girls look at him and smile with genuine happiness because of how absolutely wonderful he is, but me… I will be the one alone. I will be the one painting on a smile as I start my day and wiping away my tears for lack of a shoulder to cry on. What am I being so pessimistic for? Well… I suppose it is because I have been in this situation before and am well aware of the outcome. I suppose this proactive state of mind is just a bit of a jump start into what is coming. But is this really the end? Can something that feels so good really just END? It has to lead to something.
As I near the end, I begin to bend
I try to mold, the story’s been told
My mind is guarded, the pain has started
It’s sinking deeper, restless sleeper
Can’t see the light, this can’t be right
Why leave behind, such a precious find
I can’t say goodbye, goodbye is a lie
It isn’t done, yet away I run
I won’t let go, my feelings show
I try to hide, explode inside
So very lost, can’t take the cost
Of losing this, all I will miss
Just hold me tight, for one more night
Make this last, for now it’s past.
Lately I’ve been contemplating the saying, “every ending is a new beginning”. Being the overly analytical person I am, not to mention a bit distraught lately, I see much deeper than most. Optimism left me a long time ago so I am left wondering is every ending really a new beginning? Which also means that every beginning is also an ending. Beginning can often be worth an ending, but what if what is ending is not worth this new beginning? Fate, destiny, fortune, lot.. whatever way you spin it, the plan is out of our hands. As much as I try to hold on to this ending and postpone a new beginning, I am fighting an unbeatable force. Reality has to hit me sometime, it’s probably best if I let this fairytale go so as to gently ease into harsh reality instead of having it dropped on me like a ton of bricks. This week is the last week of my 2 year vacation life. What is next? Can I step into reality with ease? Or am I so caught up on this ending that I am going to trip into this beginning and fall flat on my face? Let’s hope I can find some people to care that will be able to catch me on my plunge into reality and ease the blows a little. But, after all, it is reality, and in the real world…let’s face it, caring people are hard to come by. I intend to step forward with a smile and do what I can with the cards I am dealt. Nearing this ending is leaving me feeling extra empty, I must remember I will soon be filled with beginning. Fresh fresh beginning. A new chapter… Reality.
Ending to begin
Losing to win?
Where do I run?
Leaving the fun
Mind a mess
I must confess
I have no drive
No will to strive
Don’t really care
To go anywhere
Content with this
Don’t care to miss
Not reaching higher
Somebody push me
So much I should be
My head’s up for poaching
It is officially time for me to start blogging again. Not the stereotypical reblogging of pictures either.. from now on, this blog is all my writing. I’ve got to start somewhere, right?